More

Why Your Coffee Probably Sucks (And How to Fix It)

By Joe January 15, 2025 9 Min Read

Let’s be real – you’re probably reading this while sipping on a cup of coffee that tastes like hot brown sadness. You know what I’m talking about. That bitter morning disaster that makes you question your life choices at 7 AM. Yeah, *that* coffee.

Look, I’ve been there. For years, I thought good coffee meant dropping $6 at that place with the green mermaid logo. Then one morning, after choking down what tasted like burnt rubber mixed with regret, I had my wake-up call. And no, it wasn’t the caffeine – it was the realization that I’d been doing coffee all wrong.

Here’s the thing: making killer coffee isn’t rocket science, and you don’t need to be some hipster barista with a waxed mustache to get it right. What you do need is to stop screwing up the basics. And oh boy, are you screwing them up! (Don’t take it personally – we all did.)

But here’s my promise to you: stick with me through this guide, and I’ll show you exactly how to transform that sad cup of morning misery into something that’ll make you want to high-five yourself. We’re talking about coffee so good, you’ll actually look forward to Monday mornings. (Well, maybe that’s pushing it, but you get the idea.)

Ready to stop drinking garbage and start brewing gold? Hell yeah, you are! Let’s fix your coffee game, one mistake at a time.

*Spoiler alert: Your coffee maker isn’t the problem – it’s what you’re doing with it that’s messing everything up.*

You’re Using Crap Beans (And You Know It)

Let’s start with the elephant in the room – those sad beans you grabbed from the grocery store three months ago. You know, the ones sitting in that “gourmet” bag that’s been collecting dust next to the instant coffee? Yeah, those. They’re trash, and deep down, you know it.

Listen up, because this is where most people mess up their coffee before they even start brewing. Those beans at your local supermarket? They’ve probably been sitting there longer than your gym membership’s been collecting dust. Most of them were roasted God knows when, shipped across the country, and left to die slowly on fluorescent-lit shelves.

Want to know if your beans are fresh? Here’s the tea (or should I say coffee): quality beans should have a roast date – not a “best by” date. That’s right, an actual date telling you when they were roasted. No date? Put that bag down and slowly back away.

But here’s what really grinds my gears – how people store their beans. Y’all are out here treating coffee beans like they’re nuclear waste, storing them in every airtight, vacuum-sealed, underground bunker container you can find. Newsflash: your beans need to breathe a little! Those fancy valve bags they come in? They’re designed that way for a reason.

Here’s how to actually store your beans without killing their vibe:
* Keep them in a cool, dark place (no, not the fridge, you monster)
* Use a container with a one-way valve if you’re fancy, or the original bag if you’re not
* Buy only what you’ll use in 2-3 weeks (yes, that means more frequent coffee runs, deal with it)
* Keep them away from heat, light, and moisture (so maybe not that cute counter-top container next to your stove)

Real talk: if you want coffee that doesn’t taste like processed cardboard, start with beans that were roasted within the last month. Find a local roaster (they’re everywhere now, like craft breweries but with more caffeine), ask questions, and for the love of all things holy, check the roast date.

And please, PLEASE stop buying pre-ground coffee. But we’ll get to that crime against humanity in a minute.

Your Water Game is Weak AF

Okay, here’s something that’ll blow your mind: your coffee is 98% water. Yeah, let that sink in (pun intended). Yet here you are, using tap water that tastes like it came straight from a public pool.

Real talk: if your water tastes like garbage, your coffee will taste like hot garbage. It’s basic math, people. That chlorine-heavy tap water isn’t doing you any favors. And don’t even get me started on you fancy folks using distilled water – congratulations, you’ve just made your coffee taste as dead as your houseplants.

“But my tap water tastes fine!” Sure, Jan. Here’s a quick test: if you wouldn’t drink your tap water straight up, why the hell are you using it for your coffee?

Temperature is another place where you’re probably screwing up. You know that satisfying whistle of your kettle? That sound is literally your beans screaming in terror. Boiling water (212°F/100°C) is way too hot and will burn your precious beans faster than your ex burned your favorite hoodie.

Here’s the truth bomb about water temperature:
* The sweet spot is between 195-205°F (90-96°C)
* Wait about 30 seconds after your water boils before pouring
* If your coffee tastes bitter AF, congrats – you’ve just cremated your beans

The fixes are stupid simple:
1. Get yourself a decent water filter (any basic carbon filter will do)
2. Stop using water straight off the boil (count to 30, it won’t kill you)
3. If you’re really serious, grab a cheap digital thermometer (or a fancy kettle with temperature control if you’re made of money)

Bonus tip: Keep your filtered water fresh. That jug that’s been sitting in your fridge since Obama was president? Yeah, change it. Your taste buds will thank you, and your coffee will stop tasting like it was brewed in a fish tank.

Remember: Great water = better coffee. It’s not rocket science, but it is science. And unlike your high school chemistry class, this stuff actually matters in real life.

## Your Grind Size is All Wrong

Let’s talk about that pre-ground coffee sitting in your pantry. You know what that is? That’s you giving up on life. That’s you saying, “Yeah, I’m cool with drinking coffee that’s about as fresh as last year’s memes.”

Here’s the brutal truth: coffee starts losing its flavor the moment it’s ground. Not in days. Not in hours. In MINUTES. So that pre-ground coffee you bought? It was basically stale before you even got it home. You might as well be brewing coffee-scented sawdust.

“But grinding is such a hassle!” Yeah, and so is going to the gym, but you do it because you care about your gains. Same principle here – put in the work, get the rewards.

Let’s get real about grinders:
* That $20 blade grinder? It’s not a grinder – it’s a blade-powered coffee massacre. Your beans deserve better than being chopped up like a horror movie victim.
* Those cheap burr grinders from the big box store? They’re like the “fake it till you make it” of coffee gear. They’ll do the job… poorly.
* A decent burr grinder costs about the same as two weeks of your fancy cafe habits. Do the math, genius.

Here’s what your grind size should look like for different brewing methods:
* French Press: Coarse like sea salt (not beach sand, Karen)
* Pour Over: Medium-fine like regular sand
* Espresso: Fine like powdered sugar
* Turkish Coffee: Fine AF (basically coffee dust)

And for the love of all things caffeinated, match your grind size to your brewing method! Using espresso grind in your French press? That’s how you end up with a cup of bitter mud that’ll have you chewing your coffee instead of drinking it.

“But which grinder should I buy?” Look, I’m not here to tell you how to spend your money, but anything less than $100 is probably going to disappoint you faster than your ex. The Baratza Encore is like the Toyota Corolla of coffee grinders – not sexy, but reliable AF and gets the job done right.

Pro tip: Clean your grinder regularly. Those oils build up faster than drama in a group chat, and they’ll make your next batch taste like the ghost of coffees past.

## You’re Half-Assing the Measurements

Let me guess – you’re the type who just dumps coffee into the filter until it “looks right.” Congrats, you’re brewing by vibes. That’s like cooking without measuring cups and wondering why your cookies taste like something from a middle school bake sale gone wrong.

Look, I get it. Math sucks. Nobody wants to bust out a calculator at 6 AM when they’re still half asleep. But here’s the thing: measuring your coffee isn’t just some pointless ritual invented by coffee snobs to make your morning more complicated. It’s the difference between “holy crap, this is amazing” and “meh, it’s coffee I guess.”

The Golden Ratio isn’t just a fancy art term – it’s your ticket to consistently good coffee. Here it is, written in stone like the coffee commandments:
1 gram of coffee : 16-18 grams of water

“But I don’t have a scale!” Yeah, and I don’t have washboard abs, but we all have to start somewhere. A decent digital scale costs less than three fancy lattes. Stop making excuses.

Here are some no-BS measuring hacks:
* A standard coffee scoop is about 2 tablespoons (10g) of whole beans
* Most coffee makers consider a “cup” to be 6 oz (177ml), not 8 oz – they’ve been lying to you this whole time
* For pour-over, start with 21g coffee to 360ml water (aka a proper 12 oz cup)
* For French press, go with 30g coffee to 500ml water (because bigger is better)

And please, for the sake of all that’s holy, stop using the scoop that came with your coffee maker. That plastic piece of garbage is about as accurate as a horoscope. Get yourself a real coffee scoop or, better yet, that scale I mentioned.

“But sometimes I like it stronger!” Cool story, bro. Start with the right ratio first, then adjust to your taste. It’s like seasoning your food – you can always add more salt, but you can’t take it out once it’s in there.

The best part? Once you find your perfect ratio, write it down somewhere (your phone, a sticky note, tattoo it on your arm – whatever works). Future-you will be grateful when you’re not playing coffee roulette every morning.

## Time to Stop Drinking Trash

Alright, coffee criminals, let’s recap what we’ve learned about fixing your coffee game:
* Those ancient grocery store beans? Dead to you now. Fresh beans from local roasters only.
* Your tap water tastes like a public pool? Filter that stuff and get the temperature right.
* Throwing away your pre-ground coffee habit might hurt, but so does watching your ex living their best life on Instagram. You’ll get over it.
* Measuring your coffee isn’t optional – it’s the difference between “meh” and “DAMN that’s good.”

Here’s your challenge: Tomorrow morning, instead of sleepwalking through your usual coffee routine, try just ONE of these fixes. Just one. I promise you’ll taste the difference. Start with fresh beans, or finally buy that grinder you’ve been eyeing, or just measure your coffee like a grown-up instead of eyeballing it like you’re mixing drinks at your first college party.

The truth is, great coffee isn’t some mysterious art that requires a PhD in Coffee Science. It’s about giving a damn and getting the basics right. You’ve spent years drinking coffee that tastes like bitter disappointment – isn’t it time for an upgrade?

So what’s it gonna be? Are you ready to level up your coffee game, or are you cool with continuing to drink hot brown sadness every morning? The choice is yours.

But remember: life’s too short for bad coffee. And now that you know better, you literally have no excuse.

See you on the other side of better coffee. ☕

*P.S. If this article helped you step up your coffee game, share it with that friend who still thinks gas station coffee is “not that bad.” They need help.*

M
J